Chapter 1: Sentimental Sorrows

Dedicated to, Theodor

A picture is worth a thousand words, that was the motto of my life. The sun was  looming over the horizon even though the sky was about to grow dreary and all that sunshine would soon fade away. My toes were at the edge of the pool and I looked down at them. It reminded me too much of my own life, living on an an edge, and when you fall over the edge you're in the deep-end drowning. I look out at the sky, wondering what's behind those clouds, those birds, that blue color that was almost a backdrop, what was behind it all? My mother, my father, and my brother were all up in the sky, looking down at me right now.  They probably thought I was one lucky bastard, I cheated death many times even when death was right in front of my face. They all took the fall for me and still to this day I wonder why it wasn't me instead of them, anybody but them. Sometimes I wished I wasn't alive, I wished death would just come and take me. I deserved it, all they ever did was try to steer me in the right direction but I was too damn stubborn to listen, and they died because of me.

 I begin to feel my eyelid twitch as I can see a painful memory all too vividly, this was a memory that marauded my mind all the time. Hanging around the wrong people is what leads you to find your own father in the bathtub, surrounded by crimson liquid. Even though I had it all now, I never did back when I was growing up and that was my blessing and also my curse. Having nothing made me work harder, it made me do whatever it took just to be successful in life. I turned around and looked back at my house, laughing. All the lying, stealing, murdering, drug dealing, all the lies , and all the pain, all of it somehow led to this. I didn't deserve to be here, I was an outsider here. I was probably the only Latino in this neighborhood yet I don't think anyone noticed because I looked nothing like one. I barely had an accent even though I spoke the Spanish language pretty damn well. My mother named me the most American name ever even though it was technically Latin, Adrian.

The water from the pool was moving around in a slow tumble Swish swish. I was always different, even back in the barrios of where I'm from. Knowledge was everything to me and it still is. Although, I hung around the wrong people and ended up joining a gang, I still knew the mathematical equations of a circle and always had my head buried in a book and that was why things were always difficult for me back in that town. People who lived in shitty neighborhoods like I did, weren't expected to graduate so no one gave a damn about anything, really. I was one of the few, that actually cared and my 'homies' always gave me shit for it. I always ignored their snide remarks and insults  because, unlike them I was 2 steps ahead of them- I always had plans for the future. I've always been very perceptive, seeing the bigger picture behind everything. Everyone in that town was just re-living the same life, the same destiny, and they all had the same fate. It was all a cycle: You join a gang because someone in your family was in one, you end up dropping out of highschool and end up doing things you never imagined you would...Just for money. You look at the little bit of money you make off of drug deals and others silly things and think it's the best thing in the world yet it's still not enough to move your family out of that impoverished shit hole. And in the end you either end up dead, or in prison and this dreaded, and daft cycle repeats over and over again.

I slouched down in one of the chairs outside, dumbfounded. No one in that town ever woke up, and realized the bullshit but I did. Everyone was so ignorant and that's why I hated living there. They were all so scared to break the mold and be different so instead they all became robots- dressing in the same colors, proclaiming loyalty and a bunch of other stupid shit. They actually believed getting jumped to be initiated into a gang, somehow equated to love. And when you try to leave a gang, they come after you and sometimes they try to kill you, yet all the people back in that town believed that was some glorious and amazing thing. They even believed white people were the cause of all of the problems in our town, they looked at them as the devil and it sickened me. There was barely any white people back in that town and they were kind of looked at as jews, sometimes the hatred was so strong that it actually reminded me of the Holocaust in a way. The white people weren't the cause of our problems in the community, we were- yet all the people there couldn't see that, it was just pure ignorance. Self-worth was what made me realize I was better than that shit. Self-worth was what made me realize that it was all just a big facade and nothing was real about it.

I used my brain and graduated, but as soon as I turned 18 I fled that town, I left my family, I left the gang, everything- no one knew where I went. I got a plane ticket and went to Miami and that was when I got to where the real money and power was-drug trafficking. If there's two words to describe that life style it would be : Lavishing and lonesome.  Now don't get drug-trafficking and drug dealing confused, although they can be looked at as the same thing, they are two totally different life styles. Drug dealers are the kind of guys that hang around on a corner and come home with $800 a night or sometimes even less. Drug traffickers on the other hand, are almost invisible, sometimes they're driving boats across the coast, transporting drugs from one place to another, it's much more serious but you can make about roughly 12 grand in a week-if you're smart. Instead of looking at customers sorry faces and hearing their excuses for not having the money, you're looking at guys dressed in suits, guys that have gold guns and henchmen that aren't afraid to end your life. It's a glamorous and exciting joy ride but at the end of it all you really end up becoming paranoid and alone.

Trust and friends are two things that just don't mix in that kind of life. Anyone is willing to turn their back on you at any moment and I learned that the hard way, nearly dying. Three guys were on top of me pinning me to the ground, with an enormous blade. They tried stabbing me to death but they fled the scene once they got the news that one of their distributors was being set up. Blood was spilling out of my wounds, yet I managed to make it to a hospital even though they left me there to die. That day isn't forgetable, I have a huge scar on my chest because of that day and surprisingly enough, I had only one scar on my face despite all of the things I've been through. 

I walked into the house, the sun was nearly behind the moon now. This place was new, and pretty much a bachelor pad yet I never invited anyone over here. It was too risky to have people over, not to mention the fact that I also had guns  in my bed room- as decoration. This was a new beginning for me, I had money now-too much money.  No one knew I was here, in New York. I looked over at the end table, my neice and my sister were hugging eachother in the picture I had taken of them when I was 17. It was a shame how she didn't let me see her, and it was Easter yet here I was in this big house all alone. I couldn't blame her though, even though I somewhat cleaned up my life, she didn't want to risk anything especially since everyone around me always seemed to drop like flies. I concentrated on my sister who was smiling so much in the picture, she always was happy even though we didn't have much but don't let her smile fool you, she was stubborn as all hell. I tried to send her money, I tried to help her out, I tried to help her escape that little hell hole of a town but she refused to take my money and called me every word in the book. I wished she would stop shutting me out, I was only trying to help her and the last thing I wanted was to see my neice end up in the cycle, I wished she would see that it wasn't about her, it was about her own god damn daughter. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had kids of my own but that was too risky, and I wasn't exactly a role model- I would never want my future kids to do the things I did, I wouldn't even want them to know about the things I did. Maybe it was time for me to do something totally different, like go to college- I had the money for it- or was I too old for that now?

My stomach growled, and I shook the thought of going to college out of my mind and I walked over to the kitchen. The cabinets in the kitchen were empty, I really needed to start buying some food. 

I slipped on some shoes and headed outside. My Lamborghini was still in the driveway where I left it. It was black just like the color of my heart, I got inside and started driving down town. The drive was long and the roads down town had a whirlpool shape. 

I'm pretty sure everyone could hear my music as I drove through the town and into the parking lot, it felt like my heart was thumping in my chest as I was driving but it was just the music. I finally arrived at my destination, the liqour store. I got out of the car, locked it and began walking as fleetly as I could. I bumped into a man with hair that was so long it looked like it actually put a strain on his neck. Normally, I would keep walking but this guy stopped me dead in my tracks. "Sir, I can tell you have a very-very dark soul...God loves all, please repent now and read this. Oh! Here take this too!" He said to me while handing me a little pamphlet with a bunch of doves on it and a christian music cd. Who the fuck did he think he was?  I really wasn't in the mood, I never talked to anyone so why would I want to talk to this Jesus freak. "Listen man, I would really appreciate it if you'd leave me be-I'm not in the fucking mood" I said sullenly, hoping he would get the picture but nope, of course he didn't.

The man kept going on and and on about Jesus and hell, almost as if he thought it would make me petrified. I had seen way too many messed up things in my life to be scared of his little hell speech. I was about to lose it any moment until I was totally caught off guard. Some girl with blonde hair came running from a building nearby, it was a church. She dropped some pamphlets on the little table they had set up and looked at me with her big grey eyes. She rushed over to me and pulled me into a hug. "Oh God! It's okay-Jesus loves you...We all need love, we love you! Repent! Repent! Get on your knees and repent!" The girl shouted in a mumble as her face was planted up against my chest.

These people were fucking lunatics. They were trying to help me but in all honesty I truly believed they were the ones that needed help. I hated when people got close to me, emotionally and physically. My blood was boiling and I pushed the girl off of me, grabbing her by the neck and holding her out to the side, still gripping her neck. "Daddy! Help me this guy's gone mad!?!?!" She yelped while squirming around trying to get away from me. I gave her father an evil glare, he was about to come over and do something but then he stopped dead in his tracks. "Now you listen and you listen good rubia (Blondie), if you ever see me around here again you better not try to pull that Jesus shit with me again other wise I'll slit your throat,I can find your whole family and have them all killed..I swear to God-you better not try me. And that not only goes to you-that's for all of your other little Jesus freaks too" The air felt colder after I said that, perhaps the coldness of my blood had somehow radiated into the air.

I let go of her and she collapsed,falling to the ground with her glassy eyes. I darted back towards my car, and I could still hear her ragged and exasperated breaths as her dad fell on his knees, comforting her. "Oh God! Why must people be so evil?" She bellowed.  As soon as I got in the car I sped out of there, not wanting any of them to even get a glimpse of my license plate number.  I knew what I did was wrong but I had no intention of actually hurting the girl and I honestly didn't even care. It was better that she learned that from me, rather than someone else who might've assaulted her right then and there. I had no care in this life, I had nothing to lose and people were just merely objects to me-annoying ones that talked and had emotions that just got in the way of everything.